Da’ Art uv War

Authored by the illustrious Lord Zhatan the Black and Blue,
Commander of the Tower of Zhar

By Matt "Madman" Birdoff

"Snotskin! Git over here wiv dat book and pen. I’m ready to start dis here ting. Ahem.

Ok, so dis here is gonna be tellin’ you, my valued reader, all about how ta beat up good onna whichever army you gotta fight. I don’t care if it’s big nasty smelly demon guys or da little teeny green ‘tings wif all dat stoopid fanatics and trolls and stuff. Dis here book will tell you you how to beat em up and drag em back home so’s you can put ‘em to work inna mines an all that, ok?

Ok. So, to try an keep tings easy to follow, I’m gonna speak inna organized and poipusefull way, jus like dat advisor keep tryin’a tell me when I use ta make dem big speeches to da troops. He’d be so proud dat I lissen to him now, but he died when he told me all dis’ an I dropped ‘im off big tower for being such a smartass.

Ok, so here’s da three parts I’m talkin’ about.

Part 1- Big Thinkin’ Bitz

Part 2- Da’ boyz

Part 3- How to use Da’ Boyz

Part 1- Big Thinkin’ Bitz

Ok, so yous think yo gotta big, nasty, can’t be beat army just cuz you have a buncha big Chaos Knights and a big scary old flying thing wit’ da’ fire outta his mouth an all dat? Ha! You ain’t got shit. Da way to beat up onna other stoopid army ain’t about havin dis here big nasty smelly monster, or dat fancy twinkly spell thing. It’a about havin’ the know-what’s to out think da other general, an use what you got ta trick him into makin stupid moves. It’s what I call:


Ok, these here are da’ 5 principles uv Strateegery.

Principle #1- charge ‘im inna side!

Ok, so you got some guys, anna other guy- he got some guys too. So, if you ain’t cheatin’, you both got da same overall kinda army, size wise. Now, he may have just a few big ugly smack-your-shit-up kinda guys, an you may have lotsa stoopid little weedy guys, but all together, it should balance out ok. Ok?

Now, da question you tink you so smart askin’ me is ‘Well, his guys- dey all big an scary an kick my ass! An my guys, dey is all small an green and how da fuck am I gonna fight those big smelly scary tings?’ Shut up, stoopid, an listen to what I am tellin you. Charge im inna side! You do that an this is what happens when you do this thing.

First, he tink he so smart lining up in lotsa lines so he can push all forward on your ass. You charge im inna side, he ain’t ready to fight that way, so those lines of troops pushin forward got nuttin’ to do. Plus, if you been smart you got your own guys in those same kinda lines pushin forward, now they push inna his side, dey do much better.

Next, he got some extra big scary dude wit some third arm or big twinkly ax or some shit like dat, he inna front, too. So if you charge im inna side, dat extra scary guy, he ain’t got nutin’ to do but yell, ‘Hey, what about me an’ my big twinkly ax thing here?’. He ain’t gonna be fightin’ you wit it, dat for sure!

Ok, so, just cuz you so stoopid, I say it again- charge im inna side, and you do ok, even if you some little green weedy fuck.

Principle #2- Lotsa boyz or strong boyz?

Ok, so you unnerstand you gotta be chargin’ inna side, right? Don make me come over der an say it again. So, dis fella over here tink he got some big ugly kill you dead group a’ boyz, but da problem is dat he only got a few groups of dese guys. Now you, you’re gonna be smart, cuz you’re listnin’ to me, right? Don’ make me come over dere! So you, bein all smart, you gonna have lotsa groups of weaker guys, an maybe just a few strong guys here an’ dere. I’m gonna tell why dat’s smart, ok?

Ok. Da more groups a guys you got, da’ better chance you got uv chargin in da side, an dat’s good. You can throw out some little useless fucks as, like, bait. Den you trick dat other stoopid guy into chargin’ ahead wif his big strong guys, while you laugh at him an call over ‘Hey, you stoopid little onion head, I tricked you good! Now I gonna charge you inna sides! Ha ha hahahaha!!!’

Dat’s funny!

Ok, an dere’s other good reason’s too. To win da battle, you gotta control da battlefield. Ain’t no good if you jus kick his head in, you know? You gotta have guys here an dere an all over da place to control da pitch. Dat’s easy wif lotsa guys, but hard if you stoopid an only have a few.

Ok, an also, if you gotta fight some guys, like them weedy pansy-ass guys wiff da funny pointy ears, dey shoot lotsa little tings at you, an dey can even hurt us Chaos Dwarves! So, if you gotta lotta guys, an just some uv dem get hurt from shootin’, dat’s ok, you got lots. Then you go ver there an kick his little pansy ass head in, no problem! But if you only gotta few big scary guys, an dey get all shot up, den you inna lotta trouble, ain’t no one left worth shit to go do business.

Principle #3- Know where you movin’ da boyz!

Ok, so you know you gonna have lotsa boyz, an dey gonna try an get to charge da other guy inna side, ok? Ok. So you got alla dese boyz, you gotta know what dey gonna do, even before da battle starts. Otherwise, dey all stoopid an gonna run into each other an fall down. You got da job of tellin’ em ‘Hey, you stoopid weedy gitz! Get your ass over to da left! Stop goin’ to the right, I gonna beat you head in myself!’. But you gotta know what you wanna have ‘em do ahead of time, otherwise you head get all mixed up an sleepy an then you fall over an when you wake up dey all dead or run home. Ok?

Ok, so da trick is to plan da whole ting ahead uv’ time n dis is called-

Principle #4- Plannin!

Ok, so you gotta not only know what you doin’ wif all dose boyz you got, you gotta look at what da other guy doin, too. Now if you lucky, he stoopid and ain’t read dis here book I’m writin’, an he got only a few big scary guys an you got lotsa little guys. Den you can just yell over ‘Hey, you stoopid!’ an laugh an then you whole army, dey can laugh, too! Ha ha ha hahaha!!

Dat’s funny.

Ok, but whether he got lotsa guys or a few guys, you gotta pay attention to which guys he puts where, an den you put you guys where dey gotta be to go over an beat ‘im up. Dis is important, cuz if dey inna wrong place, dey won’t get to where they gotta be until da whole fight is over, an then YOU look stoopid, not the other guy.

Ok, then you gotta pay attention to where his guys move, an try an figure out his whole plan, den fuck it up real good, which is easy to do, cuz you got lotsa guys to just throw out dere an die an who gives a fuck? Cause you got lots more an they just little weedy green guys any way, right? Plannin’!

Principle #5- Beat ‘im up or shoot ‘im up?

Ok, so you get some boyz for your army, right? An den you gotta choose what sharp pointy tings to buy for em, an you gotta choose. Do you buy dem shootin’ tings, an try to sit back like dem pointy ear guys inna funny spandex costumes, shootin little sticks and whatnots? Or do you buy big giant axes and clubs an tings an go over dere an beat him up close an personal? Let me tell you right now, you buy dem big clubs an axes! You don lissen to dis, an I kick you head in real good! Even if you some pansy pointy eared spandex dress wearin’ pansy, you buy dem axes an clubs! You run over dere an try you best to beat im up, an now I tell you why, ok?

Ok, first off, dose little shooty tings, dey cost more than that club or ax, so you gotta spend on shooty tings instead of spendin on more boyz! An dat’s bad, cuz even wif axes an shield an tings, dat’s cheaper than buying bows and guns and stuff, so you get more guys if you don buy shooty tings.

Ok, next off, like I said before, you gotta control da battlefield to win da game, an if you stand back an shoot a whole lot, you ain’t movin’ forward none, and how you gonna get over dere? Plus, if you run forward an then you get beat up an hafta run back where you came, you got lotsa room on da field to run back to. Now if you close to the edge of da field, you ain’t got nowhere to run, so it’s back home to momma for you!

Ok, and here’s da last bit. Dem guys who set up da rules for fightin by, dey like to see lotsa up close fightin’. Dey don like dose guys who sit back like little chicken fucks an try ‘an shoot you too much, an dey make da rules favor da guy who’s runnin’ all around beatin’ up guys and what. Ok?

Ok, so I’m tired now, go away. I’ll talk some more later, Snotskin."

Created by: system. Last Modification: Sunday 25 of January, 2009 02:17:04 PM EST by ZiggyQubert.

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