Da’ Art uv War

‘Snotskin, get your ass over here. You writin’ dis? Ok.

Ok, so last chapter an dis here chapter is kinda settin’ up da big shebang, ‘What to do wif da’ Boyz’, but you ain’t ready for dat yet. You ain’t even know what boyz I talkin’ about yet! You gotta read dis bit here first, ok?

OK, so to make tings simple fo you (cuz you stoopid) I gonna talk right now about different kinda boyz you might have in you army. Now, some armies got different kindsa dese boyz, but dey generally da same ting, an you use em da same way, right? Also, I gonna give ‘em something called a ‘rating’. Now, dis here ‘rating’ is somting a valued adviser guy tol me about once. He be real happy to see me listnin’ ta him, but I can’t tell what he sayin’ after I cut his tongue off. So, dis rating ting, I gonna use Squigs. Da more squigs, da better I like it, ok?

Ok, also, I gonna tell you about how many groupsa dese kinda guys to try to get together, ok?

Boyz all lined up (5 squigs), 4+ units

Boyz wif big axes(3 squigs), 2-3

Boyz wif shooty bitz (3 squigs), 1-2

Fast Boyz wif big axes (4 squigs), 0-2

Fast Boyz wif tricks an’ shit (4 squigs), 0-2

Boyz what don’t run away (5 squigs), 3-5

Bait Boyz (4 squigs), 3-5

Boyz runnin around wif no lines (5 squigs), 1-2

Boyz wit Big Hatz (4 squigs), 3-4

Stoopid Sparkly magic boyz(1 squig), 1

Big giant shooty bitz (3 squigs), 1-2

Boyz on carts (2 squigs), 0-2

Da’ biggest smelliest scary flying tings (2 squigs), 0-1

 

Boyz all lined up (5 squigs), 4+ units

Ok, so dese boys is what should be the biggest part uv your army, ok? Da whole idea is dat dey is lotsa lotsa boyz in lines pushin’ forward, so even if dey don kill nobody wif axes, at least dey can push im over an jump up an down on his head an laugh ‘Ha ha! Now I jump up and down on your head, and you look so stoopid lyin on the ground there all bleedin’ an swollen up an shit.’

Ok, now, just cause dey ain’t kill nobody, don mean dey can go git demselves killed, ok? Dey gotta be all tight wit shiny metal armor and shields an tings, so dey ain’t getting’ hurt too bad. Also, you should give em one of dose big wavy banners to look at an feel all proud and not run away when da guy next to em gits his face bashed in by some big Ogre. Now, don go buyin’ all fancy weapons, here, cause like I say, dese guys just stand in lotsa lines pushin’, an da guys in back ain’t never gonna use dose fancy big weapons. Dey just a wasta money. Dese guys ain’t gotta kill nobody anyways, cause dey fight right next to--

Boyz wif big axes(3 squigs), 2-3

Ok, dese here boyz, you get them da biggest baddest axes an clubs and whatnots you can find. You only need to have a few boyz in dis group, cause you want dem to work wif da Boyz All lined Up, an dey already have lotsa boyz pushin all over da place, so you ain’t need to be pushin here. Now, workin together, one group charges in da front, da other group charges in da side! Just like I taught you before, right? Dese boyz is for killin lotsa da other guys, an dey ain’t care so much for bein’ in lines an pushin. Also, if you got some guy who just a little bigger dan just da normal boyz, you can stick one in here, and he make em fight better, ok? But you don need no banner or nuthin’, cause dey can already see dat banner wif da Boyz All Lined Up, which is fightin’ wif ‘em.

Boyz wif shooty bitz (3 squigs), 1-2

Ok, while I ain’t really like havin lotsa dese here guys, sometimes somfin will come along and you go ‘Whoah! I really don wan nonna THAT shit fightin’ me!’. Sometimes dis is dose stupid green guys wif spinny balls on chains, or sometimes little teeny guys what jump in you pants an beard an shit. Da boyz what have shooty bitz, dey can jus’ shoot dese tings, ok? But don go buyin dese boyz nuttin BUT shooty tings- no banners to wave, or armor or nuttin’, cause dey too expensive to start wif anyway, an den dey just run away if sometin tries to beat ‘em up.

Fast Boyz wif big axes (4 squigs), 0-2

Ok, so some boyz, not only do dey have big giant axes or huge long pointy spears, dey also ride on top uv some stoopid animal ting, and dat makes em fast. Also, dere’s uvver guys like Ogres an Minataurs, an dey is just as fast as da ridin’ boyz, an carry da same kinda big giant ax what hurts you head real bad. I’m talkin’ about all dese kinda boyz, ok?

Ok, now dese here fast boyz, dey get all da shiny armor and big giant weapons what hurt you real bad. An if you have extra money left over, den maybe dey get a nice fancy banner, too, an maybe a horn to blow on an make lotsa noise.

Fast Boyz wif tricks an’ shit (4 squigs), 0-2

Ok, now soma dese fast boyz, dey ain’t got no super hurtin kinda spears or clubs, an dey can’t have no shiny armor and shields, but dey still real fast. Now dese boyz, dey got all kindsa tricks where dey go real real fast an run all round on your ass. Dese guys you is usin for, like, special tricky kinda stuff, not just runnin ahead, cuz dey get dere heads beat in real good inna regular fight. Don go given deme no wavy banner, cuz dey just lose it an then dose guys what took it yell back ‘Hey, you fast boyz wif tricks an’ shit, you tricks ain’t too good- you jus dropped dis here wavy flag an now we got it, we gonna shove it up your ass! Ha !’

An dat ain’t no good, ok?

Ok, but you can still give ‘em a loud horn or drum, cuz dey like to make noise an it reminds ‘em dere’s a war on, so don’t be runnin home for dinner jus’ yet.

Boyz what don’t run away (5 squigs), 3-5

Ok, dere is some boyz, dey so fuckin’ crazy dat no matta what you hurt em wit, dey jus look at you an go ‘Oi! You ain’t got shit! Hit me again, I love it!’. Even do dere foot is cut off an shoved trough dere eye socket an dey got no arms left cuz you cut dose off to use as clubs on dere ugly head. Dey just look up at you all armless and wit a foot impaled in dere eye an keep on hoppin around spittin’ an yellin’- but never runnin’ away. Dese guys, if you got dese guys in you army, you take em all you can get! Cuz’ while dey hoppin’ an spittin’ at da other army, you come up an charge em inna side! Ok?

Bait Boyz (4 squigs), 3-5

Ok, so if you ain’t got none a dose crazy boyz what ain’t never runnin, den maybe you got some really pathetic boyz what don cost too much to hire. Even do dey suck in a fight, dey is still good at trickin’ da enemy to run over into a trap. Don go buyin nuttin special for dese guys, cuz dey gonna die for sure. Maybe you gotta cousin or somebody who you don like, you tell him ‘Hey, I like you a lot, I gonna let you fight wit deze here boyz!’ Den he tinks he’s all cool an shit runnin around wit his little army of onionheads, until some big smelly Troll runs over an eats his legs off, an den you can laugh an say ‘Ha ha, you stoopid pansy, I tricked you ass an now you ain’t got no legs! Ha ha ha hahahaha!!’

Dat’s funny.

Ok, but don’t go given ‘em no wavy banner, cuz den da other guy gits dat ting an he laughs real hard at you, wavin you own banner around. Ok?

Boyz runnin around wif no lines (5 squigs), 1-2

Ok, now some boyz tink dey is all special, an don wanna fight in no lines at all. Dey is runnin around lookin’ all directions tinkin’ dey all cool. Dey is right- dey IS cool! You got guys what ain’t in no lines, you take ‘em an stick ‘em in da back a you army, protectin’ you ass against what tricks may come along, ok?

Boyz wit Big Hatz (4 squigs), 3-4

Ok, so you da general, an you gotta big giant hat so all da boyz know it, right? Now you also gotta get anudda guy wit a big hat, an he gets an extra big wavy banna, too. Both a you, you stand in da middle a da army, an you yell around at da boyz, tellin’ em what’s what, ‘An don go runnin home for dinner yet!’ Now don go tinkin you all hot shit an try ta beat up anybody- not dat you couldn’t, cuz you a big mean ol fuck, I ain’t sayin you ain’t. But if you run off somewhere an fight somebody, who’s tellin da boyz not to run away when you don want dem to? So jus relax an do what you do best, bossin around da boyz, ok?

Stoopid Sparkly magic boyz(1 squig), 1

Ok, now some a dese guys, dey tink dey is sooooo special cuz dey can light candles wit out matches, or make it rain a bit, or make you sleepy cuz dey talk too much. Dese guys just waste you time, ok? Dey ain’t got no tricks what can really help you too much, but dey charge lotsa money anyway. Da problem is, sometimes ou run into some guy wit a whole army a guys what is already dead, an dey come outta da ground all groanin’ ‘Ugggh! Uggh!’ an smell so bad (cuz dey dead) dat you run away an not even get dinner cuz you so sick from da smelliness. Dese dead guys, dey got like bugs already eatin’ dere ears an noses, an gutz hangin’ all over, but even you put a big axe in dere brain, dey jus git back up cuz a some sparkly tricks. An some other guys, dey got big giant devils an den some smaller little devil helpers wit crabs for arms, or dey split inta 2 when you kills dem or sometin. Deses guys got so much sparkly tricks dey can not even hafta fight you ta win da battle. So you gotta have to pony up an pay for just at least one little sparkly guy a your own, so he can try ta stop dese other guys, ok?

Big giant shooty bitz (3 squigs), 1-2

Ok, dese cost a lot a money, so you don really wan to buy none most a da time. But sometimes, you gotta fight some giant smelly flappy flyin’ ting an den you just trow a big cannon ball at his ass, an he dead jus’ like dat! So maybe just buy one, in case some guy wit a bigger beard dan you comes along wit one a dese here scary tings. But da big giant shooty tings ain’t real good against armies wit lotsa boyz, cuz if some boyz get all blown up, dere’s just more of ‘em anyway, ok?

Boyz on carts (2 squigs), 0-2

Ok, so some boyz tink dey so special dey ain’t gotta walk nowhere, dey got dese big carts dat is pulled by horses or lizards or rats or sometin. Dey is stoopid. Dey tink dey so cool, dey drive dat cart right inta you lines a boyz, but dey don care, it’s just a cart, an it only ran over Ken an we didn’t like him too much anyways cuz he always tryin ta eat our pies when we ain’t lookin’. So den da boyz in line just push over dat stoopid cart and jump up an down an laugh ‘Ha! You stoopid monkey! You killed Ken an we didn’t like him anyway cuzza da pie ting an now we smash dis cart an you gotta walk back home! An now we make new pies outta you big horses and lizards! Ha ha ha hahahaha!!’

Dat’s funny!

Da’ biggest smelliest scary flying tings (2 squigs), 0-1

Ok, now some stoopid boyz, dey go an spend all dere money onna big giant smelly ting wit fire breathin’ an shit. Dat’s when you pull out you big giant shooty bitz an put a cannonball in his ass, an den dat ting is dead, an you can make more pies outta it.

Mmmm, pies are good. I like pies.

Ok, so da other guy might have some big shooty bitz too, an dene if you was stoopid an bought a big giant monster, maybe he shoot it dead, an dene it is dead, an you coulda had lotsa boyz insteada dat ting.

Snotskin! Stop writin’ an go get me some pies. You can write more a dis later."

Ok, so I’m tired now, go away. I’ll talk some more later, Snotskin."



Created by: system. Last Modification: Sunday 25 of January, 2009 02:17:04 PM EST by ZiggyQubert.

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